Today I going to talk about my family. Actually, I'm not so like to talk about my family in public. I have a quite huge of family, but not SWEET and GREAT family for me.
At the first, this is my standpoint.
I have a Father, whose like to fully control my life and superb duper dote my elder sister father. When I was born until now, I have never win my elder sister in his eyes even I done my Diploma. I still lose for my elder sister. I know.. I know that siblings can't be compare.. But at least you have to fair to every siblings that you have. You can dote her, just don't do the bullshit in front on me. If she mean your daughter, then what am I?
In my memory of my father, the worst memories is more than great memories between us. As i can remember, I had a big fight with my father on March of 2017. This fight was start about I found a part-time job and the position of job was 'Admin'. Before I find this job, I was stay at home about 6 months after i resigned from my previous job. My Father wanted me find a job near my house area but he was always complain about my salary not that high. I already told him a thousand times that IF want the higher salary or greater experience, then let me go. In face, he agreed that, but at back, he won't let his daughter run out of house.
Back to the fight, I remember that morning I went to the centre for interview. It is a English learning centre and the environment also okay. After interview, i back to my home and sleep until dinner time. As normal, I done my dinner before my father there. Then my father asked my elder sister to ask me go down for awhile, I was know that he want to bla to me once again.
As what I think, he really bla to me.. he kept ask me, 'what are you planing for?' , 'what is your next step?'.
I already told a thousand times again, 'I had not find the job that I want.' , 'I was planing to find a part-time job first, the Full-time job I wanted find it slowly and I liked'.
And then I told him about morning I went to interview a part-time job for 'Admin' position. He straight away blame me, 'what is admin?' , 'Is it a hooker job?'. I was like.. WTF!! what are you think about me? You think that I will do this kind of job? Am I was your daughter? How dare you say that to me?! Even I really go do hooker job, I will tell you truly?!
I'm telling the true to you, I begged your support. What are you give to me? Dirty thinking?! At that time, we already in war.. He keep blame on me until I can't remain silent, can't remain my anger and FINALLY I AM EXPLODE.
I'm start shouting and repeat and repeat what I say. Until he took his cup and stun on table so the cup was broke. It hurt his finger and start bleeding. But I have didn't notice that. I'm start to lost control at that moment. I grab a piece of glass from floor and start cut my wrist, I have never feeling painful on my wrist when bleeding so I start repeated cut my wrist.
At that moment, my aunty (father's sister) walk to dinning area from living and she notice that I repeat and repeat to cut my own wrist. She shouted and my mom heard that. My mom ran out from kitchen and both of them start ask me stop hurt myself. The truth, I already lost control that time and of cause I won't listen about it.I just kept shout, 'what you want me to tell? I already told you everything.' , 'I'm telling the truth, why you don't want trust me?' , 'IF you don't want to listen and trust, then don't ask me anything.' , 'IF you want me to die, just tell! I will die back for you, you no need do all of this.'
End up, my mom and aunt start clean the place.. I grab a pieces of glass again rapidly, and cut my wrist once again and again. I really don't want to live anymore at the moment. Until my father walk back to dining area and saw me still cutting wrist, he asked my mom to snatch the glass from my hand.
After few minutes, he went out with my mom from house for fetch my elder brother back from work. My aunt kept console and dissuade to me, but seriously I can't listen to her. All my brain think is DIE = FREEDOM (A way to escape from house and him). After they went out, I just back to my room and take a shower. My aunt wanted to apply ointment and wrap the wound, I still not so want to wrap. I still hope to die immediately. After wrap, I just lay on my bed and keep think about die until I fell asleep. Alright, I superb desperate in case.
I think around 1 or 2 am, I woke up because of my youngest sister. I heard that my youngest sister and my mom were talking who want go hospital and bla bla bla.. I realised is my father. I have no idea why he want go hospital, but I was too tired and I just back to sleep again.
Next day, I woke up at 7am because my part time job. My mom called me by phone, ask me to fetch my family to hospital for visit my father. In my deep heart, I really don't want to go but I know that is my father. How should people think IF I not going to visit him when he in ward. And I can't do that heartless.
In the ward, my father still in sleep. I looked at my father, he's okay just his finger wrapped. So I just walked in and named them when my father awake then I walk to a corner and sit on the floor. I just sit there until my part time working time then I left from ward.
End.
I just wanna say that sometimes ask IF you really want know and trust it, no matter it's lie or truth. If you really don't want to trust in your deep heart, then just don't ask. I think this happen gonna save in my brain forever like a scar can't be remove.
From that day, my hand have been cover by hair rubber band.
